Wtf God

Wtf God...

Here's a question. If God is so good and so real, then why doesn't he come talk to me face-to-face? If God loves me so much than why doesn't he feel I am worth the time of day? Do I have to kill myself to see God? (No I'm not suicidal this is just conjecture) Isn't that the only logical way to actually SEE him? At the throne of judgement. That's what I was taught. That's seemingly what the Bible shows me. Yes I believe in Christ and the Holy Spirit. Yea it's all well and good, but I'm not the idiot Adam that couldn't keep his stupid self from breaking the law. Why do I have to be separated from God for his retarded mistakes? Where is the justice in that? Yes I know this is more than just one theological issue, but these questions are seriously weighing on my mind and there is no where else for me to rant about it. I am at possibly the hardest point of my existence until now and I find myself facing it...you guessed it...alone, because God doesn't show up to me physically as a normal human would. Thanks God. Thanks. This hurts so much. No wonder people kill themselves all the time. 

...

Going to go search the scriptures now. Since that's the only way God has chosen to talk to us. Christianity is so crazy. 

Self-Motivation

I know a lot about a couple things and next-to-nothing about most everything else.

I know what you mean about being bitten and shy. Once you get burned a little you are more wary of fire and it annoys you when people wave it around light-heartedly. Its nature, and wounds need time to heal, but we are mighty and we can overcome.

Don’t fear those men in their suits on their high-horses making claims on ancient texts that they could never hope to understand. 

Yours is not to fear them or fight them or even to forget them, yours is to get up and move. Move forward to blaze a path that no fanatic could have ever dreamed was possible. This won’t prove them wrong and this won’t prove you right. This will bring light to the darkness that surrounds the lives of those poor souls who have never felt the love of a friend. Don’t close your heart to the world just because some religious highbrows scorched you with their misguided plans. Find an infinite source to renew your strength and push on. Find that infinite source to renew your love and be the hands and feet of the body of love that this world needs.

Sometimes we hurt so much…

We just want to sit down against our broken walls and give up…

But after we’ve cried a bit and hit on the ground for a while we remember where we’ve came from, what we’ve been through, and where we are going.

There is no need to curl up and give up. Plenty of people are doing that already, curling up around their entertainments and self-medications. There is no need for more couch-potatoes or fantastically confused followers. There is no need for more men and women with hate in their hearts.

There is a need for you, to love, to give, and to help up those who have fallen down, for then we can rise together and become strong.

You are needed, and we are empowered. Don’t let anything but God stand before us.

Will you join me, Tim Piotrowicz...

Negative Associations Project - Post #1

Here I have written out a description of a bad memory from my past so that I can figure out all the negative associations it has for my current life in a forum where others can see this and offer hopefully helpful information. If anyone has suggestions as to how I can begin to heal these wounds, please don’t hesitate to tell me your suggestions.

The first full Disney movie I ever saw was at a family friend's house because my hyper-conservative parents would never have allowed it. The family that let me watch it with their son had no idea he was abusing me every time I came to visit. They all laughed and laughed at the movie, but I just couldn't get into it. I couldn’t understand why they were all so excited about a movie about such a jerk as Gaston and talking furniture. At 8 years old I must have already been attempting to use numbness as a coping skill.

During the scene in Beauty and the Beast where the antagonist, Gaston, pulls out his knife and rams it into what looks like the Beast’s leg or back (or bum), is the moment when my abuser looked back at me, shrouded by the dimmed lights of “family movie night” with a wicked grin on his face and wild look of glee in his eyes as he laughingly whispered to me, “That’s what I’m gonna do to you later!”

I never have liked Disney movies much...or happiness...or happy family get-together movie nights. I am currently working towards the goal of having a family of my own soon and I want to be able to enjoy a good animated film with my kids someday.

Do I just hold back the taste of vomit and fear in my mouth and try to ignore the painful memories as I forge forward in hopes of a different association for my life with a family?

Do I tell my future wife about my past or will that just negatively affect her too?

Do I need to add even more counselors to the roster that have tried to help me?

Up next… The story that explains why I avoid music and dancing.

The truth is that I avoid too much happiness because somewhere deep down inside I am afraid for that moment when the joy of all those fools will be revealed as fake and the “bad things” hiding behind the party banners will come out to suffocate their existence like they have done to me for years.