Wtf God

Wtf God...

Here's a question. If God is so good and so real, then why doesn't he come talk to me face-to-face? If God loves me so much than why doesn't he feel I am worth the time of day? Do I have to kill myself to see God? (No I'm not suicidal this is just conjecture) Isn't that the only logical way to actually SEE him? At the throne of judgement. That's what I was taught. That's seemingly what the Bible shows me. Yes I believe in Christ and the Holy Spirit. Yea it's all well and good, but I'm not the idiot Adam that couldn't keep his stupid self from breaking the law. Why do I have to be separated from God for his retarded mistakes? Where is the justice in that? Yes I know this is more than just one theological issue, but these questions are seriously weighing on my mind and there is no where else for me to rant about it. I am at possibly the hardest point of my existence until now and I find myself facing it...you guessed it...alone, because God doesn't show up to me physically as a normal human would. Thanks God. Thanks. This hurts so much. No wonder people kill themselves all the time. 

...

Going to go search the scriptures now. Since that's the only way God has chosen to talk to us. Christianity is so crazy. 

Self-Motivation

I know a lot about a couple things and next-to-nothing about most everything else.

I know what you mean about being bitten and shy. Once you get burned a little you are more wary of fire and it annoys you when people wave it around light-heartedly. Its nature, and wounds need time to heal, but we are mighty and we can overcome.

Don’t fear those men in their suits on their high-horses making claims on ancient texts that they could never hope to understand. 

Yours is not to fear them or fight them or even to forget them, yours is to get up and move. Move forward to blaze a path that no fanatic could have ever dreamed was possible. This won’t prove them wrong and this won’t prove you right. This will bring light to the darkness that surrounds the lives of those poor souls who have never felt the love of a friend. Don’t close your heart to the world just because some religious highbrows scorched you with their misguided plans. Find an infinite source to renew your strength and push on. Find that infinite source to renew your love and be the hands and feet of the body of love that this world needs.

Sometimes we hurt so much…

We just want to sit down against our broken walls and give up…

But after we’ve cried a bit and hit on the ground for a while we remember where we’ve came from, what we’ve been through, and where we are going.

There is no need to curl up and give up. Plenty of people are doing that already, curling up around their entertainments and self-medications. There is no need for more couch-potatoes or fantastically confused followers. There is no need for more men and women with hate in their hearts.

There is a need for you, to love, to give, and to help up those who have fallen down, for then we can rise together and become strong.

You are needed, and we are empowered. Don’t let anything but God stand before us.

Will you join me, Tim Piotrowicz...

Negative Associations Project - Post #1

Here I have written out a description of a bad memory from my past so that I can figure out all the negative associations it has for my current life in a forum where others can see this and offer hopefully helpful information. If anyone has suggestions as to how I can begin to heal these wounds, please don’t hesitate to tell me your suggestions.

The first full Disney movie I ever saw was at a family friend's house because my hyper-conservative parents would never have allowed it. The family that let me watch it with their son had no idea he was abusing me every time I came to visit. They all laughed and laughed at the movie, but I just couldn't get into it. I couldn’t understand why they were all so excited about a movie about such a jerk as Gaston and talking furniture. At 8 years old I must have already been attempting to use numbness as a coping skill.

During the scene in Beauty and the Beast where the antagonist, Gaston, pulls out his knife and rams it into what looks like the Beast’s leg or back (or bum), is the moment when my abuser looked back at me, shrouded by the dimmed lights of “family movie night” with a wicked grin on his face and wild look of glee in his eyes as he laughingly whispered to me, “That’s what I’m gonna do to you later!”

I never have liked Disney movies much...or happiness...or happy family get-together movie nights. I am currently working towards the goal of having a family of my own soon and I want to be able to enjoy a good animated film with my kids someday.

Do I just hold back the taste of vomit and fear in my mouth and try to ignore the painful memories as I forge forward in hopes of a different association for my life with a family?

Do I tell my future wife about my past or will that just negatively affect her too?

Do I need to add even more counselors to the roster that have tried to help me?

Up next… The story that explains why I avoid music and dancing.

The truth is that I avoid too much happiness because somewhere deep down inside I am afraid for that moment when the joy of all those fools will be revealed as fake and the “bad things” hiding behind the party banners will come out to suffocate their existence like they have done to me for years.

Lessons From Dreams 5/6/2014

In the dream, everything was the same as it is here in my present reality, the only difference being that we lived in a different building. The job of teaching at CEI and all the people were the same and all the students we've met and taught. The students and their parents from one of our classes were at a school for a sports-day and Matt and Peter and I were there with them.

In the dream there was a break time from the sports activities and I was trying to introduce some board games to a student who seemed too shy. His father and mother were standing nearby watching him and they were not smiling at all.
As I began to introduce a game to the student, his father demanded that I stop teaching his son such terrible things. I knew in my mind that I had done nothing wrong, but the father said that he and his wife never allowed for his son to do games, not even sports.

I knew I had done nothing really wrong at that point and I could have walked away from the situation without causing any problems, but I was on edge from my sin and I fell into the temptation to curse this father for his poor parenting. I snapped at the parents in front of their son and told them how could they be so horrible to their son. I told the father he was so stupid and that he was damaging his son by not allowing him to have "fun" in his child's life. In the moment I knew I was using the wrong approach and that I was wrong to yell and curse at the father, but I went on and did it anyway.

I continued and the parents argued and yelled at me and demanded to see my boss who came quickly and she scolded me and apologized to the family and then told me to leave immediately. I continued to yell at the father and eventually I left after my boss threatened to have me sent home. 
I immediately went to find my team leader to warn him that I was probably being sent home now. I had to walk through a group of students we had taught a year ago and they recognized me and wanted to say hello and talk to me but somehow they knew something was wrong. I found my team leader and told him what had just happened and his only response was to look down in sadness.
Then I woke from the dream.

I think God wants me to remember some lessons from this dream:
- Even when so many parents are doing the job wrong or seem to be hurting their children, using a hasty and angry approach is wrong of us and often only more damaging Take time and love to teach them and suggest alternatives and make a case for. points you may disagree with and if they continue to disagree or disapprove or even go so far as to scold you or provoke you, leave the situation and pray for them.
- Avoid scolding parents in front of their children, it may cause more problems than one can imagine.
- Trust in Christ to be the ultimate teacher for yourself and for others He will bring justice and we are not his judges, we are merely his servants, but we must also be wise and discerning, if we think a student is in danger we. can inform our leadership.

About the Pongo Experience | Pongo Teen Writing

This touched my heart and I had to share it.
I hope I can look more into this in the future.

About the Pongo Experience | Pongo Teen Writing

Pongo Project Blog | Pongo Teen Writing

I just thought this was really cool and interesting.

Pongo Project Blog | Pongo Teen Writing

Lessons from Dreams [Part 3]

Morning Dreams 4/9/2012

While strolling down the streets of England I run into Valdimort who is grinning wickedly and ready to destroy me, but I smile happily at him and let him know I am wearing the magical negatory cloak so he cannot harm me. He twirls around in a top hat and fine white cloak of his own and we become instant friends.

He invites me to help him sell magical paraphernalia on the street corners of London and I oblige.
I don the wolf-skin werewolf mask and suit and begin to help him sell stage props to potential passing customers by putting on little skits with a teddy bear. Our little skits are a big hit and soon the cash begins to flow!

Not long afterwards, we have made enough money to set up shop next to a book store and antique store.
The customers come in droves, so much so that there is a waiting room filled with women.
On my way to take a break a woman follows me and will just not stop pestering me about selling her some antique egg modeled after the famous bird eggs that the mother birds would push out of the nests and crush.
She kept pointing at the shelves and saying "That one! I want that one!" and I kept looking at the myriad of eggs and telling her "I don't work here! I don't work here!".
After a few minutes of telling me I was an idiot salesman she stormed out of the shop by way of the waiting room. As I was lagging behind her brisk frustrated pace I yelled out after her, "YOU ARE SERIOUSLY DISILLUSIONED, WOMAN!"

The crowd of motherly woman in the room around me gaped their mouths in furious anger that I, apparently an antique salesman, had the nerve to say something so rude. Some of the woman began to get out of their seats to punish me for such cruel behavior. I began to run as fast as I could and head for the exit.
On the way out a woman waiting in line for some props let me know that "They will kick your butt!" So I ran and ran.


Lesson from Dreams #3
Never tell a woman she is disillusioned....and....never be unkind to people.